Limbo for Love

As many of you know, I can be quite competitive when it comes to people's affections and attentions. What can I say? My parents spoiled me rotten. I am a dirty little only child who honestly cannot understand how anyone in the universe could ever like anyone more than they like me? Even as I type this, I'm thinking to myself, "no, seriously, how could you like anyone more?" So I could probably use some serious cognitive/behavioral therapy, but that goes without saying. This tale of woe involves this manner of thinking, a few shots and the limbo.

Let me preface with a quick disclaimer. Saturday nights at work are usually dead. We don't get anyone until 10 o'clock and by that time, I am so pissed that I've been there for six hours without making any money that I'm usually rude and continue to not make any money. That being said, a co-worker (who shall remain nameless) and I tend to take a shot here and there in order to soothe the pain that is the Bridge and Tunnels beauties that come into our bar between the hours of 5:30-10.

Since the inception of "Luau" night, a recent addition to the Saturday night line up,  my co-pilot and I have been thrown a little off guard. Our usual mild tipsiness could go unchecked due to the low volume of guests;however, now, with this influx, we're just kinda tipsy trying to remember orders...whoops! But honestly, you eat a hot dog, drink some water you're back in the game right? Well, evidently, I was wrong.

Saturday I ran four miles before work and having sweat out all the lovely toxins that usually absorb my drunken tendencies, so I got pretty tipsy fairly quickly. I honestly had  to eat a taco just to carry on. Not a good sign. Then, if my already surly demeanor wasn't in full effect, one of the other cocktail waitresses came in looking pretty sexy. Ok...this girl: She can only work one shift a week. A shift I was working. A shift that was mine! And she took it! She can't cover any other shifts, just this one. So already, I don't like her. To make matters work she is gorgeous and my bosses love her. I even asked Jerry, my dear sweet trainer Jerry, "do you love her more than me?" To which he simply smiled and gave a light chuckle. Ok now I'm just pissed. And then to make matters worse, she was kicking ass at limbo.

Come 1 in the morning, I was saucy but fun. I was getting along well with the customers and my boss and everybody was having a glorious time. But then, oh lordy, then the limbo comes out. I don't think I've ever limbo'd in my life. Nope. The opportunity doesn't present itself. But after the declared love of this other girl, I had to prove myself the one worthy of their love and adoration. Just to say, yes of course I am the best. You know, I thought, "hey now, you've been working out, you do yoga, you'll be fine! Do it, Johnson!" With the entire crowd cheering me on and a drunken smile on my face, I attempt the second tier of limbo. Seriously, the bar couldn't have been lower than 4'8" and at 5'4" I felt confident as a short person to make it under. Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I was wrong. Dead wrong. I bent back, immediately hit my head, fell over, cut my arm on the pole and that was that. The one and only time I will ever attempt to limbo. I am left only with embarassment and this bruise...ah damn, but now, they'll have to think of me as the loveable klutz, no?